I had coffee tonight. That was a bad idea. I feel I can't sleep until I blog things out. I'm waiting for things to happen. I'm always waiting for things to happen. The last five years of my life has been all about waiting, trying to figure out where I fit into this picture. I kind of have an idea now. I love taking photos. It's what I do. It's my job, but moving to a new place is going to be a challenge. Especially since it's a bigger place. More competition. I just feel lonely. I wish I had a plan. HE has money to go to school, so he knows he's going to go to school. He knows he's going to get a job and have a car. Those are all a given. I'm just on this back burner and I hate it! Like I'm supposed to fend for myself and our children. I'm scared to see what is going to happen. We're not even there yet and I'm already feeling overburdened with responsibilities. I feel like he's trying to take steps back. It's too late to take on a full course load at school and not online for that matter. I just don't want to be a single mom for the rest of my life. The Air Force has put be through too much already. Not ready for this.

2012 might not be the end of the world, but it's the end of one thing. Military life. And I can't wait. But at the same time, I'm pretty terrified. So much thinking this week. Too much thinking. Can't handle it. Some of these thoughts are thoughts I shouldn't even be thinking.

I want so badly to accept you for who you are because it's what I should do. I don't know how to handle much anymore and you telling me that you think you might be autistic throws me off. I've started seeing a therapist for Christ's sake. I'm taking bloody pills because ever since this God forsaken military tried to take you away from last Christmas, every small little thing throws me off course and I slowly lose my mind and descend into my own world of horrors. I hate it. I hate change. I hate seeing what I don't have and experiencing what I once had but do not have anymore. I wish I still had some things. I feel bad for saying that, but it's true. I have what most people would call a good life, but it's only good for its lack of the bad. Nothing more and nothing less. I do the same thing each day like clockwork. I have too much time on my hands and therefore I think too much, I read too much and it seems that all of that is working against me because I come up with these scenarios in my head and for some reason, none of them are good. I start to believe that they're real or will become real. It becomes an obsession and that obsession turns into a nightmare. Can you accept me for who I because you should??